Jan 102
I’m just a stranger on this road
Ever since graduating in May 2009, I’ve struggled for blogging material. I’m not sure if I simply had more time to get out in the world or on the Internet and form opinions on more stuff, or maybe it’s just that now I simply have said most of what I wanted to say. Whatever it is, I’d like to try to blog more, even if the articles themselves aren’t the best.
That said, this particular topic is one that I’ve had on my mind for a while, and it’s seemed to only intensify over the last few weeks. This topic is: driving. More specifically: bad driving.
Bad driving is a topic I have covered before, but rather than making this one just about city driving, I’ll try and make this a general purpose guide for how to tick me off on the road. So, without further ado, here we go:
Drive more better: some guidelines for being “that guy” on the highway
- Drive below the speed limit. And not a couple miles below either. Make sure you’re going 35 in a 45, 15 in a 35, etc., so that everyone behind you is cursing more than your average rap song. Don’t let the fact that you’re not towing anything, that you’re driving a car in good working condition, or really don’t have any excuse to be driving too slow: do it just because.
Fun variations on this guideline include driving 10 under up until you see a green light turn yellow, then accelerating through the intersection to leave the guy behind you stuck at a red, or ignoring a speed zone change (i.e. a 35 MPH zone becomes a 45 MPH zone) by going exactly the same speed.
- Leisurely accelerate down the on-ramp while getting on the freeway. After all, there’s no hurry. It’s completely your right-of-way when merging on, so if you’re going 25 MPH the cars behind you will just have to deal.
Think about it this way: when you fly somewhere in a commercial jet, does the pilot blast you up to full throttle to take off without using the entire runway? Noooooo. After all, that wouldn’t be professional, and the real goal isn’t safely getting in the air, its making sure that your passengers don’t feel a thing. Don’t listen to those idiots who claim you need to match your speed on the on-ramp whenever possible.
- While on the freeway, drive as slowly as possible in the left lane so other cars can’t pass you. I find it’s best to work in teams here: find someone who’s in the right lane going at maximum 5 miles per hour under the speed limit, drive up to them in the left lane and drive along with them for a few (hundred) miles. Highways aren’t made for getting somewhere fast; they’re made for getting somewhere fun, and what better fun is there than making a new friend? The people behind you honking their horns don’t know what they’re doing NOW, but eventually they’ll learn this too.
- When getting off the freeway, slow down to about half the speed limit about five miles before your exit, just to make sure your brakes are working. To use the airplane metaphor again, do airplane pilots land their plane on the runway every time? Noooooo. What fun is that? Landing miles before the runway is exciting for the passengers and challenging for you. The same principle applies when getting off the freeway: slowing down gives the drivers behind you a chance to make sure their brakes work and makes sure they’re awake. Plus, you have plenty of time to send your obligatory “I’m getting off the highway” text message to each of your 300 cell phone contacts individually. Which leads me to my next point:
- OMG txt as much as possible!! ;-) No one likes driving alone. Even when you have passengers in the car, it’s not really a party unless you’re in constant social contact with at least 15 friends. Watching the road is for newbie drivers, not seasoned veterans like you.
- Know your Art of War:
Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.
Headlights, turning signals, and following the rules of the road lets your enemies know where you are. It’s important to not use any of these “training wheels” designed for drivers less skilled than you. It’s pretty much guaranteed that anyone who’s behind you is a spy working for enemy intelligence services: don’t give them any help.
- Finally, your political beliefs are important. Make sure you have enough bumper stickers so that everyone knows where you stand. Conclude that everyone who does not share your political belief is an enemy, so you should use one of the previous tactics to aggravate them as much as possible.
Follow these steps and you’re sure to make your journey a little longer, sure, but significantly more entertaining.
(P.S. I’m kidding. Don’t do any of this. Please.)
May 093
A highway song
People often ask me, “Jimmy, who is your favorite United States
President?”
Well, I think we all know the answer to that question:
Sometimes, the person asking the question goes “nice! Presidential high five!” in true Barney Stinson form. Usually, however, the person qualifies the question, adding that the President cannot be fictional. My answer isn’t conventional. It’s not Abraham Lincoln, it’s not Ronald Reagan, it’s not Barack Obama, and it’s not Bill Clinton. It’s this guy:
(For those of you living under a rock, it’s Dwight D. Eisenhower.) While his greatest accomplishments weren’t as a President (he planned D-Day and won World War II for the Allies in the European theater), perhaps his most underrated and still-relevant accomplishment is something most of us take for granted:
According to the the article on Wikipedia, the entire network of highways has over 46,000 miles of roadway. To put it in perspective, that’s enough to nearly circle the globe twice. As drivers today, we take for granted that those roads have always been there and will always been there, and it’s easy to forget that before June 29, 1956, there wasn’t even the notion of such a unified interstate system.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of driving nearly the entire length of Interstate 77, which starts in Cleveland, OH and ends in Columbia, SC. You might think I’m being sarcastic, as it was a nine-hour drive (without stops), but while it would have been nicer if my car had a nicer iPod hookup, the drive alone is worth a blog post, because amazingly, Interstate 77 manages to paint a portrait of America as a whole even as it covers just over 600 miles.
I-77 has a little bit of everything. There are climbs up mountains, descents into valleys, bridges over lakes and rivers. There are two sub-ground tunnels (in West Virginia and Virginia). There are scenic overlooks worthy of being framed in a gallery. There is an eccentric rest stop in West Virginia which showcases the artisan skills of everyday Americans.
The most interesting part of I-77 though, at least in my opinion, are the cities it passes through. Drivers drive through cities that are struggling (Cleveland), through cities that are improving (Akron), cities that are thriving (Charlotte) and cities that time forgot (Charleston). It’s an amazing cross section of the country: no one’s in the same place, everyone’s always changing.
The 2006 movie Cars takes a stab at the interstate system, saying that they’re only in place so drivers can avoid tough, curvy roads. While this may be the case (especially out west), the interstate system is able to marry the concept of driving somewhere fast and having a good time at the same time. Apart from the Internet, it’s probably the most impressive accomplishment of the United States since the 1950s, and it’s why Eisenhower is my favorite President.
About Jimmy
Jimmy is a 2009 graduate of Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, OH, and currently works in a Columbia, SC startup. He mostly writes about baseball (particularly the Cleveland Indians), politics, movies and programming. He also enjoys a cup of great coffee and a good book or movie.
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